Difficult conversations are frequently part of our lives. Sometimes we try to avoid them, taking another turn just so we can postpone addressing the elephant in the room. Occasionally it feels better to live with something unspoken - out of fear the spoken fact would radically change things.
Though it can be hard, I’ve learned that the short moment of sharing, the short moment of making oneself vulnerable, holds the potential to bring about much healing & freedom. Just recently, I build up the courage to make an appointment with someone who would listen to me as I made myself vulnerable. It felt uncomfortable, but it was well worth it.
I went and saw a counselor.
During the time leading up to the first meeting I was relieved as I made the appointment with someone I had never previously met. There was no fear of saying the wrong thing. And there was no felt obligation of having to say the right thing, either. I was a little nervous though.
Brené Brown
an author I respect and love to read, writes about the human desire to belong. We don’t want to be neglected or be pushed aside, but we want to belong. Whenever we share our stories - and I mean the whole thing, including the nitty-gritty details and the things we‘re not proud of - we make ourselves vulnerable with the possibility that the person we‘re sharing with might want to disconnect. We feel threatened, so we leave out the parts of our story that hold the potential of disconnection.
Walking into the counselors office, I made a promise to myself: to share whatever, not holding back. I do realize that I didn’t see the counselor to become best friends - and yet it’s the same basic desire that is being carried throughout the conversations: connection & belonging. I don’t want to be thought of as crazy by this person.
As we went on with the session, I opened up and shared. Eventually she asked me a very personal question and for a moment I was tempted to answer partially. But the promise I had made to myself came back to mind, so I shared it all. The session continued and there was no disconnection. Instead, it was the beginning of healing of a part inside me that had been hurt in the past. I was honest, she was honest - and real connection was possible. In this case of course on a professional level.
But transfer this principle onto a friendship. I’m sure you know those moments when you think twice about what to share and what to hold back. But what if, when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, owning our stories, we make way for real authentic connection. In all this, I’m not saying we need to share everything with everyone. Knowing your audience as well as wether or not it is appropriate to make your story accessible to others is important, too.
As I wrote earlier - we have a deep desire for connection. I would go even further: we were created for relationship. Therefore, we would often rather put on a mask and pretend instead of being our true selves. It’s the fear of disconnection that leads us. But what if, instead, we would dare owning our stories. And at the same time, would receive someone else’s story with empathy, understanding and a good portion of grace.
I’m sure this would pave the way for true, meaningful connections. It would free us up and help to actually heal.
“The work of restoration cannot begin until a problem is fully faced.”
This is a quote from Dan Allender‘s famous book Healing The Wounded Heart. And I couldn’t agree more. We need to have the courage to enter into our grieve for healing to take place. How is a dungeon supposed to be lit up when we never dare to enter, lighting the torch?
Sometimes we got what it needs to work through stuff on our own - but other times we might need to admit that we are in need for help - someone who listens to our story. Without judgement, yet with the boldness to invite us to leave the dungeon. There is nothing shameful about it. We might need help unlocking the door. Or help to hold the torch. Perhaps, all we need is someone who calls us to walk up the stairs again, away from the dungeon & back to the light.